Time is a weird thing. On one level it should be pretty straightforward: seconds and minutes and hours and days that are clearly defined, easily comparable and impossible to argue with. Except it never quite works like that.
There are days when time seems to stretch out endlessly before me. When it seems to bend to my will, allowing me to squeeze out extra drops of possibility long after the well should have run dry. Those days were especially frequent when I was teaching. I’d look at my to do list in the morning, scrunching up my nose with the conviction that this would be the day that had me beat. And yet I’d find myself in the evening, exhausted with a glass of wine in hand, marvelling at all I’d managed to achieve. And I’d get up the next morning and do it again, continuing on repeat until the end of term finally appeared. Those days still happen now that I’m a work at home mum, though they’re coloured by the knowledge that not for a long time will I have a real holiday to collapse into. I’m wary when I feel myself straining against my limits as I know I cannot afford to break.
There are other days when time seems to eat me up. When everything seems to take forever, and the simplest tasks balloon out of my control. There have been more of those since I’ve been a mum: having a baby in hand makes rushing almost impossible, and the fog of sleep deprivation has much to answer for in its ability to mess with the very fabric of the universe.
My least favourite days are when time scares me. When it looms up out of nowhere and laughs at my dreams. In many ways I think I’m still extremely sheltered and naive: I haven’t yet had to cope with loss on any grand scale, and I’m only just surfacing out of that teenage belief in invincibility to realise that my time on this planet is not in fact infinite. I look at my son, think of all the things I want to show him, to experience with him, and sometimes I am filled with a sense of dread. What if there just isn’t enough time?
I chastise myself for the hours and days and weeks I wasted when I was younger – time spent on trying to make time go faster, to get to a place where I would be happy, where I didn’t have to try so hard any more.
Because now I’m here, and I want to savour every moment. I know that I can’t really change the amount of time I have left, but I also know that if there are days when ten minutes can feel like forever then I want to strive for that rather than let them pass in a flash. Everyone says that time speeds up when you have kids, but I’m not sure I’m willing to accept that.
So I will continue on my mission to bend time to my will, to see it less as a set of shackles I must comply with and more as a challenge to be overcome. The Doctor put it well when he spoke of ‘wibbley wobbley timey wimey’: certainly nothing to be taken too seriously, not when there’s just so much to do.
Thank you to Sara at Mum Turned Mom for inspiring this post with her prompt: ‘I wish I had more time…’
I love those days where time seems to expand to fit your to-do list, but I do find that at the moment, they are few and far between, and much as I hate to say that time seems to go faster, this year has flown by scarily fast! I think you are right though, we shouldn’t just accept time disappearing, we should make the most of it and get as much done as we wish to. Another wonderful post, thank you so much for linking to #ThePrompt x
I do wonder how much our state of mind influences how quickly the day flies by… Not that we always have total control over that, especially with little people around! x
Beautiful post; you’re so right about time disappearing when we least want it to and how when we’re youthful time was not an issue, in fact is was sometimes our enemy not moving on quick enough. Time never seems to be on our side but you’re right, we just have to make the most of it and through ourselves into the clutches of time! #ThePrompt
I do sometimes wish I could go back and tell my younger self to slow down, that everything will be ok in the end and I didn’t need to rush to get wherever it was I thought I was going! But I guess it’s all part of growing up…